


my love for you was bulletproof

by flagrantlywicked



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 12:19:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flagrantlywicked/pseuds/flagrantlywicked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You ruined me, you destroyed me when I loved you like no other."</p>
            </blockquote>





	my love for you was bulletproof

“ _Did you know that people suspect you and Lauren are dating?”_

Camila looked up from her book with furrowed eyebrows and feigned confusion and just the right amount of surprise to convince everyone in the room that she was totally not aware of the current rumors. Dinah had just came through the door, blurting out the question so casually, as if she were asking what day it was.

“ _What?_ ” Camila emphasized, incredulously staring Dinah in the eyes.

Dinah nodded, not a particular emotion on her face. “Yeah, I know. Pretty awkward, right?”

Everything was peacefully still until Dinah had walked in; Normani was sprawled out on the couch by the window, occupied with whatever she was doing on her phone, and Camila had been rapt in another one of her precious books.

“I heard about that,” Normani chimed in. “Thought it was a little bit weird to bring up though.” She shot Dinah a sharp, speculative look, and her last sentence was boldly snide to imply that maybe Dinah shouldn’t have brought up such a topic.

Camila’s eyes shifted from the two girls as she pressed her lips together. There was still a faint look of surprise within her expression, and she began to wonder if she were faking too hard. She shook her head and said, “That’s a dumb assumption. I mean, Lauren and I are friends. Just that. Just very close friends… You know it kind of makes me sick that some people would think of us like that.”

_Lies. All lies,_ Camila thought. She wasn’t fond of lying, yet when it came down to it, she was skilled in the whole lying area.

“Right,” Dinah agreed softly, clearing her throat moments after. “Speaking of Lauren, why has she been acting odd lately?”

“No. The real question is: where is she? Because she has my phone charger and my phone is about to die,” Normani squawked.

“Her and Ally went out shopping.”

“Really? I’m surprised. She hasn’t really wanted to be around any of us for the past week.”

“Lauren didn’t want Ally to go with her. Ally had to beg so she’d let her go. Ally told me she was going to try to get her to talk about what’s bothering her. I don’t think Lauren will spill, though. Which brings me back to my question. The two of you know why she’s been acting distant?” Dinah asked again. She took a seat in the small chair across from Camila.

Camila closed her book, realizing that she wasn’t going to be getting any more reading done any time soon. Normani shrugged and sat up, placing her now dead phone on the coffee table in front of her.

“I haven’t noticed anything strange with Lauren. Don’t know what you’re talking about,” Camila answered, obviously playing dumb.

Dinah rolled her eyes. “Really now? You didn’t notice how at the interview yesterday she barely said no more than five words? I know she’s never as talkative as you Camila, but she usually says  _something._ ”

Camila was starting to feel uneasy, and a knot soon made its home in her throat, making it hard for her to swallow. There was a sharp pain in her chest as she remained quiet and thought of Lauren,  _her ex_  as of last week. But no one else knew of that. It was their little secret.

They’d kept there very intimate relationship secret for about seven months, and right before the tragic breakup Lauren had been acting very cautious around Camila, afraid that their secret would soon no longer be a secret. The rumors made Lauren paranoid, but they didn’t bother Camila as much.

“I would think you’d know since you two are thick as thieves.”

“Nope. I don’t know anything, alright?” Camila snapped accidentally.

There was a pause between the three girls.

“Does Lauren know?” Normani inquired.

“Does she know about what?”

“About the—“

“Does Lauren know about the what?” Lauren broke in unexpectedly. She purposely acknowledged everyone’s existence in the room, except for Camila’s. Lauren saw Camila lying on the pullout bed through her peripheral view, but refrained from looking in that direction.

Behind Lauren was an exhausted Ally who came trudging in holding only one bag. She gave everyone a look that was rather difficult to decipher.

“Nothing,” Camila said for Normani.

Camila noticed how Lauren refused to look at her, and she expected the sound of her voice to get her attention, but to her dismay that didn’t work. Lauren rolled her eyes in disdain at the sound of Camila’s voice.

“So you’re all keeping secrets from me now? Whatever. As if I care anyways,” Lauren spat. She stormed out of the room. Seconds later the girls heard the loud slam of the door that led out the hotel room.

Ally sighed wearily and fell on the bed right beside Camila. “That was terrible,” she said, staring up at the ceiling in a daze.

“Did you she tell you what was up with her? Because if not, someone needs to find out. Her attitude is starting to annoy me,” said Dinah.

“She refused to talk with me the whole time. We went to like, ten different stores, and she only bought one thing. It was this ugly beanie.”

Camila got up from her spot on the bed and slid on some sandals. “I’m going to go talk to her.” She left the room in silence.

The long hallway that extended to the elevators was empty, and Camila noticed that the elevator doors had just shut. She pulled on the ends of her sleeves with an intake of breath as she began to forge down the hall. Her eyes adjust on the green carpet, studying the pretty patterns and designs stitched in it.

It didn’t take long for the elevator to reach the eighth floor again and when the door opened, Camila stood in there alone, still tugging on the sleeves of her sweater, just enough so that her knuckles were hidden. She thought of what she was going to say to Lauren once she found her. Lauren obviously wanted nothing to do with anyone at the moment, let alone her. The thought of that hurt Camila deeply.

Camila didn’t understand why Lauren was so mad though. The breakup didn’t seem to affect Lauren as much as it did her. Well, that’s what she thought.

Lauren had been Camila’s first everything, so of course Camila thought very fondly of her, and of course the breakup crushed her. Lauren was her first kiss, first love, first time. Lauren was everything to Camila, and little naïve Camila thought it was the other way around as well, when in all truth, Camila was just a very intimate friend to Lauren. Lauren was aware that actual friends didn’t sleep together, or make out with each other, or say heated “I love you”s, but she did not let that stop her from thinking, “ _we are just friends, I don’t like her like that”_.

The elevator doors opened and Camila stepped out. She searched the lobby, soon finding Lauren in the lounge area hiding in a booth with a cup of coffee. Her eyes were fixated on the small flat screen built into the wall, but there was nothing playing. The TV was off.

Camila came to realize that Lauren still hadn’t noticed her presence.

“Hey,” Camila greeted timidly, gaping at the dazed girl seated in front of her.

Lauren’s grip on her cup of coffee tightened. She looked up at Camila, looked her up and down, then merely looked away—back at the blank television screen.

Camila crossed her arms, being extra cautious with her sleeves now that she was around Lauren, making sure they wouldn’t slip up.

“I didn’t know you liked black coffee.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh. I can go get you some sugar if you—“

“I don’t want that,” Lauren interjected sullenly. “I don’t want you to do anything. And I know what you’re down here for. Please don’t try and save us, Camila. Our screwed up  _relationship_  needed to end, I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Camila studied Lauren’s blank expression, absolutely unsure of what she meant.  _Why was it so “screwed up”?_  To Camila their relationship was perfect. She wasn’t sure what to say at this point, but she knew for sure that she wasn’t going to walk away like she’d been doing for the past week whenever Lauren shot her down. Camila took a deep breath, mustering up some bravery.

“I miss you,” she said, her voice hollow. “I miss the old you.”

To Camila’s surprise, Lauren snickered once. Then, she broke out in a bitter laugh, taking a sip from her coffee. The taste left a grimace on her face, and the scorching hot coffee scalded her tongue with a vengeance, but Lauren brushed it off, pretending to be unfazed. Though everything was getting to her. Even the last five words Camila’s sweet voice had just uttered. Still, Lauren feigned okay.

“You mean you miss the Lauren that would look into those puppy-dog eyes, the ones you have right now, and tell you to come here so she could hug you tight and call you her princess? The Lauren who would “make love” to you at night and whisper all the beautiful things about you, just to make all your insecurities go away?”

Camila blinked. “I guess. I miss the nice Lauren, the Lauren who loved me.”

Lauren sighed miserably, pushing her coffee away. She rocked back and forth for a minute, gripping handfuls of her long black hair. “I love you, but I don’t love you like that, Camz. I hate to say this, but you’re in too deep.”

Camila’s heart stopped. She didn’t know how to take that, she didn’t know what to do. She was stricken.

“What?” Her voice came out in a faint whisper.

Shame came over Lauren’s expression of sadness. Shame and disgust. “I was only in it for one thing. I loved your affection, the way I seemed to mean everything to you. It made me feel better about myself. I always felt guilty though, because I always felt as if I weren’t repaying you enough, as if I weren’t reciprocating enough, and I wasn’t. I didn’t want to, I couldn’t, but you never noticed that.”

Camila remained silent. She couldn’t bring herself to speak.

“After we had sex for the first time, I thought it would be a secret friends with benefits thing, but you became so attached and I didn’t know what to do, I’m sorry,” Lauren continued, nearly hysterical. “And when I found out that people know about us, I realized that it had to end. I realized that pretending to love you just so we could continue having a sexual relationship was wrong.”

“They don’t know about us, Lauren. No one knows a thing,” Camila whispered, tears forming in her eyes. “People just  _suspect_  it.”

“But you’re not getting it. I don’t love you—“

“No.” Camila shook her head over and over, refusing to believe that this was all a lie the whole time, refusing to believe that Lauren would  _use_ her, after everything they’d been through. “No. No. No. You said you loved me, you said you cared about me. Th—that time you found me in the bathroom after I’d harmed myself, you said you cared…and we kissed. It was so real.”

Lauren shrugged. Her demeanor towards this all suddenly appeared to be indifferent. This enraged Camila, it her hurt her, and it pushed her a just a little bit further to the edge.

“Maybe it was real then. I didn’t know what I was doing then. I just can’t keep this going anymore, because it’s driving me crazy. I should’ve broke it off sooner.”

“This isn’t fair,” the broken girl sobbed, now causing a scene.

“Camila, calm down. Let’s not get loud in here.”

Camila ignored her words, still continuously shaking her head in anger and disbelief. Tears streamed down her face as it became hard for her to breathe.

“You helped me through so much, you saved my life, Lauren. How could you just—how could you do this to me? How could you pretend this whole time? You never meant anything, did you?”

“Camila,” Lauren hissed, cautiously looking around. “Please sit down and be quiet.”

“Sit down beside you so you can hold me like you care so much and tell me your famous lie? That you love me?”

Camila still hadn’t toned it down, this made Lauren anxious.

“I do care about you—“

Before Lauren could finish her sentence, Camila had stormed off in a fit of rage. Lauren hurriedly slid out of the booth, following after her, because she knew how reckless Camila could become when this upset and heartbroken. Camila wiped her tears away and headed for the elevators. She impatiently pressed the up button several times. She was aware that doing that wouldn’t make the elevator arrive any quicker, but she couldn’t control her impulsive behavior at the time.

“Camila, listen to me,” Lauren said quietly once she approached her. They both put on a calm act, for there were many people in the lobby. Lauren inconspicuously pressed her palm to Camila’s waist and brought her back, so that their bodies were touching the slightest bit. “Please don’t be mad at me. I’m already mad at my own self… I know that what I did was bad, but I want us to be good friends again once this is all over. I don’t want this to ruin our friendship.”

“Don’t touch me,” Camila retorted, finding it hard to suppress her animosity in front of all these people. She sniffled and removed Lauren’s hand from her body.

Lauren unexpectedly wrapped her arms around her. Camila tensed up, standing perfectly still. This took Camila by surprise, especially since they were in public. Not only did it surprise her, but Lauren’s defiance angered her even more.

“Stop. What the hell are you doing, Lauren?”

Lauren smoothed down Camila’s arms, feeling over the sleeves of her sweater. Camila was practically shaking, hoping Lauren wasn’t going to do what she thought she was about to do, especially here.

“Camila, please don’t tell me you did it again,” Lauren said, her voice laced with despair.

The elevator dinged and the door opened. A few adults came rushing out. Camila nervously pushed out of Lauren’s embrace, pretending as if she didn’t hear a word she just said. Lauren trailed into the elevator after Camila. She pushed the button that closed the door immediately, so they’d be alone.

Camila stood on the other side, gazing down at the floor. Her heart was heavy, tears threatened to spill again, and she still found it difficult to breathe properly. The thoughts were coming back, the ones that used to haunt her, the ones that used to bring down her self-esteem until Lauren came along and saved her from them.

_How did you not notice this whole time that you were nothing but Lauren’s little bitch?_

_All she did was tell you what to do. She basically controlled you, but you were too stupid to realize._

_Why would you think she’d care about someone so worthless as you anyways?_

_The only reason why she pursued you was because she felt sorry for you. You were a fucking mess, a depressed little whore with a crush on your best friend. And in the end, what are you? Still a depressed little whore helplessly in love with your best friend._

“Camila.” Lauren was now in front of her, holding her shoulders, searching her friend’s dead eyes.

Camila ignored Lauren and mentally told herself that she was beyond through. She was so done at this point.

“I know you hurt yourself again. Let me see.”

“How would you know?” Camila snapped viciously, shoving her away. “You don’t know anything!”

Lauren stared at Camila, taken aback by her actions. “Because you—you tensed up when I touched your arms. You used to do that a lot. That’s how I always knew.”

The sobbing girl scoffed. “Really? I’ll have you know I haven’t relapsed in months.”

Lauren hesitantly came close again. She reached for Camila’s sleeve, but Camila jerked away violently.

“If you haven’t then let me see,” Lauren faltered, her voice desperate and raspy.

“What’s the point? It’s over, Lauren. We’re over, remember? You called off our “relationship” last week! So what’s the point of pretending to care?”

Lauren managed to corner Camila. She held Camila’s face in her hands, looking into the beautiful girl’s watery brown eyes. Taking a deep breath, she said, “It’s over, it is. But I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always care, Camz.”

All Camila heard was, “ _it’s over, it is.”_ She heard it many, many times, over and over in her head. The sentence taunted her, then she heard absolutely nothing, but her own bitter words flying out her mouth before she could stop them.

Camila shook her head as she gave Lauren a nasty glare. “Don’t ever talk to me again. I hate you, I hate myself, I hate absolutely everything. You just hurt me more than anyone ever has.” She paused, trying to swallow down her emotions to no avail. “I hate you so much Lauren Jauregui.” Her voice shook violently as she uttered every syllable of her name; she could barely say it.

The elevator dinged, doors opened, and Camila walked out. Lauren stepped out as well, speechlessly watching her storm down the long hallway, her small body getting smaller and smaller. Before knocking on the hotel room door, Camila made herself presentable. And that took longer than she expected. Lauren was still at the end of the hall, heart shattering when she thought of Camila’s venomous words. They cut her like a knife, and the more she thought about them, the more she realized that she deserved to hear every bit of it.

Ally answered the door after Camila had finally knocked. Camila faked a smile, her cheeks a rosy red.

“How is she?” Ally asked, eyes narrowing in confusion. Camila had dazed off for a second.

_Lauren is perfectly fine,_ Camila thought.  _Who you should be worrying about is me. But of course, no one ever worries about me because I’m always “fine”, always just peachy._

“I don’t know, I guess she’s okay” was Camila’s frustrated reply.

Ally stepped out of the way to let her in, giving her fellow band member an odd look. “Well…did she tell you anything?”

Camila saw the rest of the girls sitting on the bed in front of the television. They had muted it so they could hear what she had to say.

“She did,” said Camila as she pursed her lips and looked elsewhere. She was on the verge of breaking down again. “She told me a lot, actually. If you want to know, ask her for yourself.”

She cut through the kitchen and went into the other room, closing the door shut behind her.

“Okay, if anyone ever ask who the weirdest of the group is, we’re going to say Lauren and Camila,” said Normani from the other room.

“Normani, shut up.”

In that moment, Lauren burst through the door and asked, “Where’s Camila?”

The girls told her that she’d went in the other room. When they asked what was wrong with Camila, Lauren didn’t answer.

There was no way to answer.

Camila was now in the bathroom, and she stayed in there for the rest of the night. She took a long shower, let the water mix with her tears for hours. And after that she sat in the tub with her knees brought up to her chest and told the girls to shower in the other bathroom because she wasn’t coming out any time soon. Lauren didn’t shower that night, nor did she sleep.

She sat outside the bathroom all night, making sure Camila didn’t do anything reckless. She’d knock on the door occasionally and ask Camila how she was doing in there. There would be a frightening silence, then a biting “go away”. Lauren would smile in relief at the sound of her voice and close her eyes, but she wouldn’t allow herself to sleep. Eventually Camila cried herself to sleep at around three in that bathtub though. Lauren panicked when Camila didn’t answer and thought quick for an idea.

She’d ran to her purse in the front room and pulled out a credit card. Her hands shaking, she used that credit card to slide through the crack of the door and pushed it open. By the time she got the door open, her voice was hoarse and her heart was hammering with fear. But Camila was laying in the tub fast asleep, not passed out like Lauren expected, in only a tank top and her underwear.

Lauren smiled big with relief for the thousandth time that night. There were several band-aids along her left arm. The sight crushed Lauren. She couldn’t tell if Camila had just done it or if she’d done it another time, but the band-aids looked fresh. Lauren hoped that Camila had just replaced them, which was likely because she did shower earlier.

A tear rolled down Lauren’s cheek as she picked up the small, fragile girl from the tub and carried her out. She pulled the sheets back and laid Camila to bed, kissed her softly but surely on the forehead.

***

The next few nights Camila rarely left the hotel room, never said a word to Lauren. She performed with the girls at the concerts. The lights, the cheers from fans, the joy of opening for Demi Lovato, it all made her smile, but when she got back in that hotel room and laid in bed at night she couldn’t bear living another second. Every time she was alone, she thought of Lauren. Every time she heard Lauren’s voice, she thought of Lauren. She thought of all the things they’d done together, all they’d been through, all the secrets they’d shared.

So, so many flashbacks mixed in with bitter, self-loathing thoughts. It was all so hard for her to bear. She missed Lauren so badly, but Lauren didn’t seem to care. She saw her everyday, but somehow it wasn’t enough and it was too much at the same time. It wasn’t enough because Camila wanted Lauren’s attention. Camila wanted Lauren’s kisses, Lauren’s love. And at this low point, she was willing to take Lauren’s love even if it was fake, even if she did only want one thing.

Camila felt so desperate that it disgusted her.

She’d been sleeping alone for the past three nights. That godforsaken empty space where Lauren should’ve been irked her beyond belief.

It was a Thursday. 11:22 pm. The girls had just gotten back in from a concert and would be leaving in the morning for the next stop. Camila was alone, leaning against the headboard of her comfortable hotel bed, knees tucked to her chest.

“We’re about to go out to eat before all the good places close.” Camila heard Ally’s disembodied voice.

“Okay,” Lauren answered. “I’ll go tell Camila, if she isn’t asleep.”

Camila closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep when she heard a succession of knocks on the other side of the door. She didn’t answer. The door slowly opened a few seconds later. Camila heard nothing, but when she barely lifted an eyelid, she saw Lauren peek her head in and stare at her for a moment. Lauren let out a sigh.

“She’s asleep,” she informed the girls quietly, making sure not to wake Camila. “You guys go on ahead, I don’t want to leave her here alone. She hasn’t been feeling well lately.”

The girls exchanged looks.

“You sure?” Dinah asked.

Lauren nodded in response, still watching Camila sleep through the small opening.

Camila mentally sighed. She didn’t expect Lauren to pull that move. She thought she’d be here alone, that’s what she wanted. The girls soon left. Lauren covered Camila up with a blanket, stood over her and watched her sleep for a while, then took a seat across from the bed. She sat there quietly, occupying herself with one of Camila’s books.

_If we were still together she would’ve gotten in bed with me, cuddled me tight, and fell asleep right with me. But we’re past that. That will never happen again. We will never be like that again._

Battling with thoughts, Camila laid there and pretended to be sleep for some time. She tried and tried to actually fall sleep so the thoughts would go away, but couldn’t for the life of her. Her mind was cluttered. About an hour later, Camila heard Lauren’s soft snores. She looked at her through squinted eyes and hurriedly got out of bed. Before going into the bathroom, her eyes landed on a small pad and pen laying on the nightstand. Camila thought about everything for a long time, wondering if she needed it.

Part of her said she wouldn’t, part of her hated herself for even contemplating a suicide note. But she was suicidal, and she would need the pad and pen if she was going to go through with everything like she planned. So she grabbed it with trembling hands before locking herself in the bathroom.

The torn girl stood in front of the mirror and stared at her reflection with hatred.  _Lauren played me so good,_  she thought.  _She got me so good._

Camila couldn’t understand why it happened the way it did. It was all so unfair. Camila loved Lauren with all of her heart, with everything in her, and this was how Lauren repaid her? By lying? By using her? Camila felt so stupid, so terribly worthless. So, so, so stupid. She was angry at Lauren, but more than anything she was angry at herself for being so upset over it all, and for falling in love with Lauren in the first place.

There was an open bottle of pain killers sitting on the counter. The bottle had her name on it. Camila believed they were made for her. She couldn’t believe that something so beautiful was meant to end this way all along.

“Why do things so great end so badly?” Camila asked herself, fists full of hair. “How could something so good end this way?”

She glanced at the pad and pen, then back at the mirror. With a sad, feeble smile she said, “this is it”.

Camila poured the bottle of pills in her mouth, not even bothering to count how many she’d be consuming. She flicked on the water and drank some straight from the faucet, swallowing at least three pills at a time.

“I hope you saw this coming. This is all your fault—” she spat. Her breath got caught in her throat when she tried to say Lauren’s name.

She sat down on the toilet and began to write, deciding that her last words would be the first words she’d scribble down for her suicide note. She wrote the two sentences sloppily, tears drenching the paper and smearing the blue lines. Realizing that it was a rather harsh way to start things off, she drew a line through the words, not dark enough to fully block them out though.

_~~I hope you saw this coming, Lauren. This is all your fault.~~  You ruined me, you destroyed me when I loved you like no other. You took advantage of that. I’m sorry I had to do this, but I felt like I just couldn’t take it. You’re walking around like it’s no big deal, and I tried to do the same and hide the fact that not being able to hold you killed me. I didn’t even last one day. I can’t live with this pain, and I won’t try to. I’ve already taken the pills, so there’s no stopping me. I love you and the girls so much, but of course I love you differently. You brought me through a lot of tough times, LoLo. Without you I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. But know that you broke my heart. The pain you’re going to feel once you find me is going to be terrible. It’s going to take a toll on everyone, but please don’t make the decision I made. Please. I’m so, so, so sorry. Sorry mom, sorry dad. I lo—“_

As she was finishing up the note, Camila’s vision grew blurry. Her breathing was shallow as she fought to press the pen to the paper. Eventually the room started spinning, her mind became foggy and nothing made sense anymore. Camila couldn’t even remember why she was sitting, or writing, or what she was writing. Heart pounding rapidly, she found herself gasping for air, and then all at once she fell to the filthy bathroom floor, joining the scattered pills she’d dropped earlier.

The thud of her body had awakened Lauren. She blinked up at the ceiling, jolting forward in surprise. It’s like she automatically knew something wasn’t right. All she heard was silence. The kind of deadly silence that made you anxious. Lauren glanced from the closed bathroom door to the empty bed where Camila once lay. She leaped up in panic, rattling the locked doorknob but it wouldn’t open.

Lauren called Camila’s name several times but received no answer.  _Maybe she fell asleep in the tub again,_ Lauren thought with a morsel of hope.

But when she managed to get the door open by using the credit card trick, every morsel of hope she had dissipated. Because this time when she opened the door, Camila was not sleeping in the bathtub. Her motionless body lay there sprawled out on the floor right before Lauren’s eyes.

And to her horror, Camila was no longer breathing.


End file.
